I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
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it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
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Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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