put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
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i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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