yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
