I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
