This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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