This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
