I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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