Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
