drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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