Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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