I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
