i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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