Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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