Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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