He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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