took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
