i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
