You're my little dorito
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Alive.
So much puke
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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