Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
As shirtless as possible
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
