The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
