how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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