Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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