Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
from now on my penis is your penis
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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