remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
