i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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