My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
