Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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