from now on my penis is your penis
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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