Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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