Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
