Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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