if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
