So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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