Girls should come with a carfax report
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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