He kissed a someone with a penis
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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