I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
