Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
