you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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