I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
