Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
