One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
