She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
