"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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