I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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