How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
