Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
