If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
