Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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