Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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