Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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