my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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