Dude my mom stole all your condoms
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
