you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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